CAMDEN, NJ — A serial killer notorious in Camden was caught and brought to state court to be given the death penalty. Although having killed an estimated 370 people, he was brought to trial after recently shooting up a daycare center and leaving 13 preschool-age children dead, along with another 7 in the hospital.
After a police interview, however, it was found that the killer’s M-50 heavy machine gun (illegal for citizens to own) sexually identifies as a water pistol. He also made sure the police knew the pistol’s pronouns were they/them.
During the court hearings, the man kept interrupting…
NY — After numerous interviews, meetings, and surveys, a damning new study released by our very own Planet X has come to a horrifying conclusion about people and our reality.
As it turns out, according to the study, most people are not, in fact, afraid of the Cloud People. I mean really, how are people not fearing for their lives over the Cloud People? Absolutely and terrifyingly unbelievable. In fact, even more strangely, most people have questioned the existence of the Cloud People, some even outright denied it. What a crazy world we live in!
“What in the world? I…
SOME COLLEGES, I GUESS — Sources confirm that the entirety of language courses in some colleges and universities have been reduced to simple lessons on Neo-pronouns. Instead of learning grammar, vocabulary and whatnot, all language courses will just be semester-long lessons about Neo-pronouns.
“That’s all that really matters today anyway. All the different pronouns, when and how to use them… Everybody just knows English either way, but knowing different pronouns, especially Neo-gender-neutral-pronouns like, in German or Spanish or something, and their use is extremely crucial in today’s modern and sophisticated world,” said Macy Dee, a dean who is credited as…
US — All across the nation, many socially insecure people are getting pretty nervous for the inevitable day in which they won’t have to wear masks everywhere and will actually have to show their faces.
As of now, many socially insecure people are very glad to be able to hide 75% of their faces behind a mask and not look like complete losers. However, eventually the time will come in which they will start to look stupid for wanting to cover their faces all of the time.
While some are thinking about ways to practically get the mask covering the…
EARTH — Just yesterday, for the first time in centuries, God came down from heaven onto Earth to deliver his people a holy message.
“I do not like the word ‘futon,’” he said. “It sounds kinda weird, ngl. You should stop using it.” The Earthlings below were in utter shock and amazement.
“I never thought of that,” some religious scholars said. “I never knew God was so bothered by the word ‘futon.’” The scholar who said the word was sentenced to immediate death for even saying the word futon. Oops, now I just said it. …
CALIFORNIA — At a local anti-gun protest, Planet X decided to go out onto the scene and try to find out what these activists knew about guns. After interviewing hundreds of protesters, here are the results.
As it turns out, about 89% of them have never shot a gun, about 62% have never touched a gun, and about 40% have never even seen a gun in the flesh. Also, 99% of them are beyond terrible at Fortnite and Call of Duty. But Planet X wanted to go deeper and see what they knew about the guns themselves.
Some of them…
CNN CENTER — Media news source CNN has just officially ascended into the 7th dimension. It all happened after their endless stream of news articles finally came together and finished building an alternative reality. CNN did not completely anticipate this, but they were pleased anyway.
“We’re thankful we finally have a complete alternate reality formulated by our news stories we can escape to whenever we’re sick of this one,” said CNN anchor Don Lemon. “After all, this alternative universe is just so much better than this one. It’s almost as if we created it ourselves, that’s how good it is.”
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US — The popular site commonly used to measure percentages of ethnic heritage in people, Ancestry.com, has officially been labeled false by numerous sources after publishing false reading on numerous politicians and other famous people.
Specifically, Ancestry.com refused to identify percentages of lizard-people heritage in many people. It has become rather clear in recent years that nearly all politicians are at least descended from a race of lizard-people, if not, are lizard-people themselves. However, Ancestry.com was unable to recognize any amount of lizard-people in anyone. In fact, quite strangely, there didn’t even seem to be an ethnic category for lizard-people…
WISCONSIN — A teen and high school student were being interviewed about the conditions of his school. However, rather than answer most of the questions, the teen remained fixed on a certain topic regarding his utter confusion so as to why there are toilets in his high school’s vape lounges.
“Yeah, like, I hang out in the vape lounges a lot, you know, and it’s like whatever bro, but I just can’t understand why in the world are toilets in there? I mean, who put them there? What purpose do they serve? …
WASHINGTON — Mary Callahan, a local woman, was at her place of work, sitting in a room with many of her colleagues. They were being forced to participate in a diversity training session required by their employer that day and were waiting for it to begin. Callahan was very excited for the privilege to decolonize her mind and very glad that all of her colleagues were going to experience this too.
With her mind on politics, she was having a conversation with someone near her and she said, “I really hate people who force their beliefs on others.” The person…
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